(Source: hnw37)
(Source: kletva)
This week and next week I work over thirty hours and I have my usual 12 hours of classes… and on top of that all the homework I should be doing. It’s too muuuuch. I know that I will get everything done on time and I’ll more than likely get grades that I am happy with, but I’m just feeling so overwhelmed and lonely and like I’m just stuck. I don’t feel young and alive and free. Why did I decide to take spring classes???
A lot of the free time that I have I waste on the internet, putting off my school work… and then I do it all at the last minute and feel like shit the next day at class and think to myself that it’s no wonder I don’t make friends easily - I never really put the effort into it because I’m so exhausted during class.
sooo I got six days booked off of work in July so I can go to Portland with my mom!!! And! And I also may have kinda applied to university a couple of days ago (sent out the application one day before the deadline… just a little bit last minute, no big deal) and today I got my college transcripts sent out (which aren’t due until July 1st). My grades are well above the cut off so really only reason I wouldn’t get in is if there’s not enough room. I’m just applying for general social sciences so I’m thinking that I’ll get in for september?? Hope so, but if not I’ll apply again for January (which was my original plan, but I’m just so bored with college… I need a new environment). Oooh, so many opportunities coming my way!!!
And have a mentioned that I have Saturday off of work this weekend for no reason in particular? And that this weekend (fri, sat, sun) my work is having a scratch card event so it’s going to be super intense on Saturday and I don’t have to be there?! Yeah.
Also! I am reading the Piper’s Son by Melina Marchetta. It is awesome.
so here’s a thought. why don’t I stop trying to meet new people and just do the things that I really want to do in my limited free time?
it’s not like i don’t want to meet new people/just one new person. but I also just really want to read books and browse the internet and relax. I feel like I’ve been neglecting that part of myself that just wants to be alone… even though I have been spending a lot of my free time by myself.
I say that I feel like I’ve been neglecting that part of myself because, basically, a lot of the time when I’m just hanging out by myself, I feel guilty about the fact that I’m by myself.
but why should I feel guilty? it’s not like I’m always alone. I work 4-5 days a week, I go to school 2 days a week, and I’m going to be starting volunteering at the hospital in the ER this week. I rarely get a proper two-day weekend; sometimes I don’t even get one day off per week where I don’t have any commitments. It is exhausting.
when I do have a day off, or in some cases just a block of time free (like if I don’t work until 5pm), I really don’t want to put myself into any more big group social situations… I just want to either hang out with a friend or two, or be alone.
so I’m saying now, no more guilt. I will go to school and work and volunteering and maybe meet new people along the way, or maybe not, but at the end of the day when I’m exhausted I will not force guilt onto myself for not wanting to go out. I will read a book in my room, in defiance to this thought put in my head by my culture that says that I should be more social.
(Source: postsecret.com)
“Sometimes the heart doesn’t know what it wants, until it finds what it wants.”
-Pam Beasley
